Blinded By The Awful

 

 

I saw things this past summer.

Horrible, awful, and disgusting things….(insert scary banjo music).

I saw things this past summer that no human being should ever have to endure. Things so vial that by purpose or incident challenged my eyes, brain, logic, and senses. As I have nothing better to do today, I will make you a list of these so-called revulsions and I will distribute them to the masses. (Well, okay, my mom and maybe my brother, whom I pay, to read this blog). The following is a sampling of what I saw…

• I saw a dog vomit at least two gallons of liquid down the kitchen floor vent, only to be thrown outside, come back in and do it again in the exact same spot.
• I saw a four-hundred pound man in a Wal-Mart electric chair take unfair advantage of the buy-one-get-one-free-Cheetoh deal leaving an innocent bystander with only one bag left of the good kind of Cheetohs. (The crunchy ones of course).
• I saw an innocent and good family badminton game turn into an ugly, neo-competitive, bloody extravaganza that sent an innocent seventy-year-old woman to the emergency room.
• I saw a pre-licensed teenager attempt a left-hand turn on a busy two lane highway, while systematically attempting to adjust his sunglasses, change the radio station, and pick his nose all in unison. (Still get chills from this one)
• I saw single co-workers hit on by a strange man named Pablo who had severe family issues and falsely claimed that he knew how to “boogie”.
• I saw politicians who attempted to persuade my vote by trying to convince me that I would actually have social security funds in the bank to be concerned about in 2025.
• I saw a two-liter bottle of root beer explode so thoroughly and so expansively throughout a refrigerator that it took over three hours to wipe clean every surface and jar of relish in the place. (Yes, we have multiple bottles of relish, because every time we have a hot dog my husband buys another jar thinking we may not have one at home and it would basically be the apocalypse to have a hot dog without relish.)
• I saw an estrogen-depleted middle-aged female scream at the top of her lungs and bawl like a baby when confronted with newly discovered knowledge of grey hairs now outnumbering the phony blonde hairs. (Oh yeah, that was me in the mirror).
• I saw that I have absolutely no gifts at all when it comes to the care and cooling of swine (who by the way, do NOT sweat) on a hot summer day. The phrase, ‘sweats like a pig’, is a colossal lie.
• I saw women in public wearing Lycra bathing suits that had no business being in public in Lycra bathing suits. (Oh yeah, that was me too!)

Well, I am sure you are all the better for having read these enlightening tid-bits. I hereby ascertain  (insert sarcasm)that  your life is officially slightly improved.

Let us move into Fall shall we???