I ran into my doctor again this past weekend as I was out and about.
The truth is I often run into
my doctor while I am out and about. Perhaps it may be that she is stalking me. I
find it awfully suspicious that I run into her every time I am doing something
unhealthy. For example, over the holidays I saw her in the grocery store as I
was purchasing items for a small gathering….yes, it may have been a large
amount of cocktail mixers in the cart, but it was going to be a large party…at
least three or four of us getting together to celebrate some yule tides…whatever
those may be. Then about three weeks
ago, right after I was assured that my blood pressure was too high in her
office, she suspiciously walked into a local eatery as I was stuffing my face
with a double-crust Italian special pizza. Then again, it happened last night.
As I was working on releasing my stress (which I may add increases blood
pressure) having a healthy wheat beer at the ski hill…who happens to show up?
My doctor, that is who shows up, being annoying and partaking the healthy task
of actually having skis with her at the ski hill. My skis? They are at home, still
in the basement.
Other than the fact that she is stalking me, there is
something else particularly annoying about this physician. She is very stingy
about mediation delivery. Now, of course, if it is the normal, ethical,
medically necessary-type of medication, she is all over that (Boring!) That is
not the stash that I am seeking. (And no, it is not the illegal super- Vicodin
I am referring to either you sicko-reader) I am convinced that she has a stash of medicine;
pills if you will, that would really enhance my life. I am talking about pills
that would solve some serious, real-life concerns that are the heart of all of
my issues. (This is, faithful-reader-that-already-knows-this-about-me, a very
long listing of issues).
So I am publicly demanding
my pills! In order to speed along this
process, I have made a listing of all of the medication that I would like to
pick up at the Walgreens this afternoon:
Fund-a-cide: A pill that would render all those asking me to
volunteer for anything capable of seeing what they are really getting. I would
take the pill and others would immediately NOT want to ask me to help with any
type of concession stand, pizza sale, car wash, or baking event as they would
know that I will be late, forget to turn in my money, or will spill coffee on
poor folks standing at the concession stand window.
Kid-a-cide: Same pill as above, however formulated for any
class trips, youth group events, and large gatherings of children under the age
of 18. After the great pool-trauma of ’08, (See blog Field Trip Duty) this is
medically necessary and should be covered by insurance.
Pro-work: Really speaks for itself, specifically taken on
Monday mornings or Fridays at around 1:15 p.m. equal to twenty or thirty Red
Bulls with some positive-attitude coating on it. This mediation may also be
handy for lengthy performance reviews.
Tri-boy-moxin: A pill that would render me the cool mom that
I truly am, deep down inside, to my three sons. Special side effects of this
pill would include the inability to hum along to ‘80s pop tunes written by Boy
George, Cyndi Lauper, and Hall&Oats. I would also be physically unable to kiss
boys or try to hold their hands in public.
Wella-butt-in: Again speaks for itself, but really eases the gluteus maximus into last year's jeans. Comes in pill and grease form.
Mucus-jazz: This special concoction I can share with the
entire family. Anyone who is sick, particularly sporting the stomach flu, will
have all body fluids and mucus change color from the lovely browns, greens, and
yellows, to soft lavender purple with silver glitter sparkles. I will save you from further thought or
reflection here…
I have other ideas, but I am trying to avoid being greedy,
needy, and self-centered. (Although a pill for that as well would be nice!)
I will be showing up at Walgreens, however, I am certain it
will be to pick-up my cholesterol medication and not what I really want….my
doctor said it may help the heart or something boring like that….she is such a Meany!
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