My Next Door Nemesis

Recently I have found myself unemployed.

 Hoping that this is a temporary situation, I eagerly wrote down all of the wonderful chores and tasks that are needed to be completed around the house in the short time I am home all day. Some of these projects have been on my mind for years….things such as catching up on all the family photo books, painting my bedroom that is spotted with air soft bullet holes from the last war my sons had in the room, and killing whatever that is growing in the far corner of the basement that I am too scared to attack.

I figured that I would direct all of my attention to these long-neglected duties and be thoroughly fulfilled in the midst of my job hiatus.

Wrong. So very wrong.

What I realized is that I had been lying to myself all of these years. I never really wanted to deal with any of those things. Undertaking those things is really too hard, too overwhelming, or just plain too creepy. Time is not the issue. It is simply all too disgusting or detailed. So I find myself occupied with alternate, very important tasks.

What am I actually doing while looking for a new occupation? Well, I am writing this blog and watching superhero movies with my youngest son. Yes, I am spending way too much time with Spider-man, X-men, Avengers, and (my personal favorite ladies), Thor. Now watching grown men in Spandex saving the world may sound like a waste of time to you, (and some of you are simply jealous), however, my son and I are truly having some bonding moments. Time is spent discussing important questions of the world that arise while engrossed in your day to day, good vs. evil battles.

Today’s question was, ‘Mom, what is a nemesis?’

My answer, “A nemesis is your very favorite worst enemy.”

My son thought for a moment, “Oh like Kristy Elman from my class? Man I love to hate that girl.”

Knowing that Kristy Elman (name changed to protect the not innocent) was the first girl to kick my son in his man-parts, I had to agree with him. 

Then he asked me, “Mom, who is your nemesis?”

I had to think on that one for a while. The truth is that at my age a woman can have many nemesis. So I guess I have to say that I have many nemeni (word made up for my own purposes).

I will present to you my list in order from evil to exceptionally evil.

The first nemesis would have to be my doctor. She insists on standing by the story that the mysterious bulging around my middle and rear end, that spontaneously appeared just after I turned forty, are due to the fact that I refuse to exercise. I, on the other hand, am certain it is some unknown elusive disease that she is refusing to treat, thus she is my first nemesis, and I will call her ‘Doctor Evil Right-On-The-Money!’

My second nemesis is the mammogram technician at the hospital. (Ladies, you know who I am talking about here, a true sadist). She gives that foul knob on the machine one more turn when we all know it is not necessary…although I am certain her work will save my life someday, I will call her ‘The Twister!’

My third nemesis would have to simply be baked goods. No explanation needed here. Just baked goods. I will call this nemesis simply, ‘Cheese Danish.’

My fourth and last nemini is the most evil of them all. She is thoroughly malevolent. She is in my life every day. It is my neighbor, the super model who just happens to run on her exercise routine, (the same routine that I am vetoing) past my house every morning. Her presence evokes a level of guilt that invades my psyche for the remains of the day. She is also, most likely, why my sons and husband decide to take coffee and cereal outside every morning, rain or shine. I would hate her if she weren’t so pretty….I will call her my prime mortal enemy, the worst, most horrid, but love to hate…. ‘The Blonde Bombshell!’

Insert screams of terror.

But not to worry, for I am the good guy and the superhero and will conquer them all….for I am... ‘Mid-Life Mom’

Insert nap.