Lost My Funny

I lost my funny.

I am not certain where I lost it, however I suspect that it is along the roadside of highway 127 South toward Lansing between Alma and Shepard, Michigan. I went back to see if I could find it, however I became distracted and wound up way over in Pinconning purchasing a humongous block of smoked cheddar.

Determined to have the funny back in my life I embarked on a journey to find new funny to replace the old funny.

The search began in the most obvious place that I could think of…Walmart, of course. Now we all know that there is all kinds of funny at the Walmart, so I assumed that I would have a cart full of hilarity resulting from my visit. After three hours, the cart brimmed over with plenty of concern, curiosity, wondering, moments of ‘oh my’ and an overwhelming amount of ‘what the heck?’ I also had a bag with frozen chicken nuggets, tube socks and a gas cap. My car does not require a gas cap, however, the rollback price was phenomenal and I had to have it. 

All of those treasures, but no funny.

Tired from the excursion I decided to try the easy route and drove to my doctor’s office to request a prescription for funny. As thrilled as the office staff were to see me without an appointment, I was informed that Dr. Evil Right-On-The-Money had decided to continue her stingy policy of not prescribing non-essential medications for random requests. My second effort to acquire some rose-colored glasses from my optometrist met the same end. I really need to expand my medical team and if my small northern Michigan town only possessed some decent back-alleys, I may have had better luck with this plan.

Returning home, I felt defeated yet still determined to find some funny. Of course I had to hit the Internet. Things that will guarantee a laugh out of me are two things; animals that can talk and babies that do things that babies can’t really do. This disturbs my husband deeply and I know he momentarily reviews his marriage proposal every time he see me crack up at either of these situations, but I was beginning to become desperate. Visiting You Tube I clicked on my old favorites, including this link from the trustworthy BBC talking animals….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87fiOXU1Q78

It was simply not working.

Now truly discouraged, I decided to abandon my effort and thought of dealing with a life without the funny and decided to set the table for dinner on the outside patio. While opening the large umbrella that really requires two people, I proceeded to encase myself completely in the umbrella like caterpillar sans the butterfly ending.

I was stuck.

Thoroughly unable to move, my initial fears were that my family would never miss me stuck up in there and it would be days or weeks before my discovery. I then realized the boys would be totally lost without me within hours as no one but me seems to know where I keep the toilet paper as the rolls are never replaced and I receive numerous cell phone calls from young men trapped in the bathroom in need of replacements.

That is when I found it…my funny came over me like a wave as I was trapped in the umbrella thinking about toilet paper. That was all it took, a little bathroom humor and I was back on track. Go figure, I had the funny with me all along.

I learned a good lesson about keeping my funny where I can find it. It was no one’s fault but my own that I lost it in the first place. I will cherish it more now, and keep it close.

At least now I know where to look if I misplace it again… it will be right there in the loo.


Next time: Senior Moments!

My Next Door Nemesis

Recently I have found myself unemployed.

 Hoping that this is a temporary situation, I eagerly wrote down all of the wonderful chores and tasks that are needed to be completed around the house in the short time I am home all day. Some of these projects have been on my mind for years….things such as catching up on all the family photo books, painting my bedroom that is spotted with air soft bullet holes from the last war my sons had in the room, and killing whatever that is growing in the far corner of the basement that I am too scared to attack.

I figured that I would direct all of my attention to these long-neglected duties and be thoroughly fulfilled in the midst of my job hiatus.

Wrong. So very wrong.

What I realized is that I had been lying to myself all of these years. I never really wanted to deal with any of those things. Undertaking those things is really too hard, too overwhelming, or just plain too creepy. Time is not the issue. It is simply all too disgusting or detailed. So I find myself occupied with alternate, very important tasks.

What am I actually doing while looking for a new occupation? Well, I am writing this blog and watching superhero movies with my youngest son. Yes, I am spending way too much time with Spider-man, X-men, Avengers, and (my personal favorite ladies), Thor. Now watching grown men in Spandex saving the world may sound like a waste of time to you, (and some of you are simply jealous), however, my son and I are truly having some bonding moments. Time is spent discussing important questions of the world that arise while engrossed in your day to day, good vs. evil battles.

Today’s question was, ‘Mom, what is a nemesis?’

My answer, “A nemesis is your very favorite worst enemy.”

My son thought for a moment, “Oh like Kristy Elman from my class? Man I love to hate that girl.”

Knowing that Kristy Elman (name changed to protect the not innocent) was the first girl to kick my son in his man-parts, I had to agree with him. 

Then he asked me, “Mom, who is your nemesis?”

I had to think on that one for a while. The truth is that at my age a woman can have many nemesis. So I guess I have to say that I have many nemeni (word made up for my own purposes).

I will present to you my list in order from evil to exceptionally evil.

The first nemesis would have to be my doctor. She insists on standing by the story that the mysterious bulging around my middle and rear end, that spontaneously appeared just after I turned forty, are due to the fact that I refuse to exercise. I, on the other hand, am certain it is some unknown elusive disease that she is refusing to treat, thus she is my first nemesis, and I will call her ‘Doctor Evil Right-On-The-Money!’

My second nemesis is the mammogram technician at the hospital. (Ladies, you know who I am talking about here, a true sadist). She gives that foul knob on the machine one more turn when we all know it is not necessary…although I am certain her work will save my life someday, I will call her ‘The Twister!’

My third nemesis would have to simply be baked goods. No explanation needed here. Just baked goods. I will call this nemesis simply, ‘Cheese Danish.’

My fourth and last nemini is the most evil of them all. She is thoroughly malevolent. She is in my life every day. It is my neighbor, the super model who just happens to run on her exercise routine, (the same routine that I am vetoing) past my house every morning. Her presence evokes a level of guilt that invades my psyche for the remains of the day. She is also, most likely, why my sons and husband decide to take coffee and cereal outside every morning, rain or shine. I would hate her if she weren’t so pretty….I will call her my prime mortal enemy, the worst, most horrid, but love to hate…. ‘The Blonde Bombshell!’

Insert screams of terror.

But not to worry, for I am the good guy and the superhero and will conquer them all….for I am... ‘Mid-Life Mom’

Insert nap.

Scandals and Sandals

Recently Washington has been riddled with scandals (recently being a relative term that is defined by the phrase "this week and has actually been going on for over the last two hundred years")

The only thing that would put the current administration in more hot water would be the San Francisco vegan-crowd finding out that Nancy Pelosi has a hidden closet of baby seal slingbacks adjacent to her bedroom.

So in the spirit of full disclosure and accountability I have decided to set an example for the Washington horde and confess to various scandals and scandalous activities of my own…of course to expect the politicians to follow suit would be like placing hope in the electoral college system. (Insert hysterical laughter) Here is my list, I am coming clean:

I have purposely purchased loud electronic gifts for nieces and nephews (i.e...Race car with obnoxious revving sounds and sirens) as paybacks to my brother and sister for atrocities committed against me during our formative years.

I kept the five dollar bill my son left in his pocket and was discovered in the dryer lint trap.

Any chocolate that does not fit into the Christmas stocking goes to a secret stash in the freezer that is pilfered for my personal enjoyment for the remainder of the year.

Once, I washed the same load of clothes three times because I kept forgetting to take it out and place it into the dryer. Okay, the true scandal is that this has happened more than one time, possibly twenty-seven times.

When I am feeling particularly adventurous, I watch Rachel Maddow to see if I will spontaneously combust.

I have purchased baked goods and placed them onto plates from my kitchen to insinuate that the cookie-bars, cinnamon rolls, or what-not are ‘homemade’.

I have lied about my intent to go bungee-jumping when I know darn well that will NEVER happen.

I pretend that I am not ‘pee your pants’ afraid of the bears and cougars that live around our cabin in the U.P.

On occasion, I have considered consuming the pet rabbit with a side of béarnaise….on many occasions, okay, last night.

It has been rumored, and may be possible that the hamster that was “sleeping” when the kids went to school and grew ten times larger and morphed colors while they were away may not have actually been the same hamster.

I once told my Sunday school preschoolers that I was a former super model that decided to quit and stay home to raise her kids…Yes, I lied to children, as they were the only ones who would believe me.

The bleu cheese dressing is so good at The Lake Superior Brewing Company Restaurant in Grand Marais, that I once had it for dinner…nothing else, just beer and dressing.

Now, I will take the heat of these tawdry activities and suffer the consequences. Friends in Washington, it is not so tough, try it sometime!