ShamWow Shortage

I will be forty-five years old next month.

 I am not prepared for this birthday.  As a child, I was certain that people most likely evaporated after they turned thirty. Thirty was absolutely ancient. Turns out, thirty, PLUS fifteen years later, I am still here. So I have decided that since survival appears to be my only option, (The break down I attempted to have was thwarted by my husband who spouted off all this, “The children need you, we love you” blah, blah, blah….that evil guilt monger) thus, I will need to procure a few items to support a positive attitude during the middle years. I of course, have a list entitled:

Things I will need in order to survive my mid-life crisis (listed in order of importance)

·         A pool boy named Hernando Palermo Fendino who will work in cut off shorts, never a Speedo.  (I know it could be an excellent first line of a great limerick!)  He will be required to speak English, as a vital element of his job description will be to read all installations of the Shades of Grey Trilogy to me aloud by the pool.  (Now, to be fair and keep peace in the home,  I will also allow my husband to have a pool “grandma.” Her name will be Helga Armstrong and she will be dressed in fashionable moo-moo and will give us both extensive backrubs at our will.)

·         A pool.

·         A large fanny pack that contains two giant bottles connected to an IV that feed estrogen and Mint Mojitos directly into the bloodstream.

·         A ‘ShamWow’ to soak up all of the random tears provoked by various major life milestones accomplished by the children.

·         A ‘ShamWow’ to sleep on for pre-menopausal night sweats… (Disgusting! I know!)

·         A ‘ShamWow’ to soak up all of the random tears provoked by nothing other than low estrogen and  a Dad with his kid eating together during a sensitive McDonald’s television commercial.

·         A large supply of prescription medication for driving with pre-licensed teenagers.

·         A large supply of prescription medication, just because.

·         A personal HBO channel that feeds twenty-four hour a day ‘Chic Flicks’.  Twenty hours of viewing will be “Pride and Prejudice” (NOT the Colin Firth version) the remaining time can be sated by anything starring Mark Ruffalo. (Note to self: Will need extra ShamWows.)

·         A semi-truck load of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls.

·         Liposuction and augmentation surgery that only requires a twenty-five minute recovery period, because that is all the vacation time I have left at work, as well as the maximum ‘me time’ allowed by the children.

Convinced that all of these offerings will sustain me, I am officially searching through Craig’s List for many of the items (yes, even the pool grandma).

Now, to begin on the list for next year…